I cried a lot yesterday.

All of this work is hard work. I knew that going in, but man, it is hitting me like a ton of bricks. I am up anywhere between 4AM and 6AM every day, tending to Matthew, pumping an engorged boob, or getting ready for work. I pump at least twice a day at work. I hate pumping. I leave work and arrive at home just in time for putting Matthew to bed. During the week I have a total of maybe 2 hours of alert and pleasant awake time with Matthew.

Then, there is dinner (which Josh prepares 99% of the meals), laundry, bottle cleaning (oh, how I hate bottle cleaning), sleeping, and it just goes on.

I know I’m not a bad mother - in my eyes, bad mothers are the abusive ones, the harmful ones, the hateful ones. And I have so much love for this little boy it’s amazing to me. But sometimes I don’t feel like a particularly good mother. And that really bothers me.