Dear Matthew:

It has been just about a year since the idea of you first came around. I found out I was pregnant on November 9th of last year, and this year, what was once the zygote and blastocyst is now a huge baby. Four months ago seems like a lifetime, and just a minute ago. I watch the screensaver on your baba’s laptop and when the pictures of you as a newborn swish past, I say to Baba, “That’s a different baby!”

This month is unfortunately low on pictures, because Mama left the battery behind in Connecticut one weekend, but it’s back now and month 5 will be plentiful, I promise. I did get some good, if not grainy, pictures with my cell phone.

Things have settled into a nice pattern with you. It was my first full month back at work and despite being overwhelmed with fatigue, like, all the time, I think all in all it was good. Every day you get up with Mama, some time between 5 and 6 am, and we talk while I prepare your bottles. You and Baba get to spend the days together reading books, taking Ava for walks, and fighting naps!

Yes, you are the king of the 45 minute nap. It seems as though there is a little timer inside your head that strikes as soon as the 45 minute mark goes off. It has gotten to the point where if a nap lasts longer than 45 minutes, we hold our breath, not knowing what to expect. You sleep better at night, although as I write this, you’ve been having a few fitful nights of sleep, which will hopefully be just a blip in the road. In the last week you’ve only really gotten up once at night - near 3 or 4 am, which is nice, just the getting up once. I bring you back to bed with us and let you nurse as I try to catch a few more z’s before getting up for the morning. And when you finally do stir and wake in the morning, you are well-rested and you smile largely. You fall asleep much better for Baba than you do Mama, and it’s because, we suspect, you are frantic with the smell of milk, so readily available.

You do a lot of sitting now! Your head control is really very good, and you grunt a little as you attempt to move your chunk up into an upright position. Now, Mama and Baba can sit you on our laps and you do very well just sitting!

You have been laughing so heartily lately - you are so much fun to hang around! You love it when Mama or Baba blows raspberries/gums your belly (same action, different names according to which parent you’re talking to!) and you also find it hilarious when Baba or Mama fake-cries back at you when you’re in the midst of a meltdown. You are also quite the flirt - when Baba brings you to visit Mama at work, you smile and gurgle at all of Mama’s friends. They are quite taken with you, as we are too. Sometimes I think you are taken with yourself - we look at each other in the mirror and you grin and then quickly hide your face, burying your head in my shoulder. Are you shy? Doesn’t seem like it! I have to act quickly, though, and move my head out of the way, lest you divebomb and jam your head in my chin. Mama made that mistake once. Ow.

You took another flight this month - you are quite the frequent flier! We flew back east to see Mama’s good friends Mary Ellen and Jeff get married. You were the youngest guest at the party, and frankly, the least dressed. You managed to poop through both your tops and a pair of pants.

One day you’ll be very cross at me for writing about your poops online. I hope you forgive me.

You have also been doing a lot of growing. You grew out of your pack ‘n play and your carseat - your carseat you grew out of while you were in CT so we had to rush and buy you a convertible seat! You now sleep in your very own crib, and have two new strollers - a jogging stroller whose tires we need to fill with air, and a collapsable stroller that Mary is lending us.

For one little baby, you sure do have a lot of wheels!

We took you to the doctor for your four month visit and you are a healthy little boy! You weigh 21 lbs. and 10 oz., you are 26.5 inches long, and your head circumference is 17.6 inches. You’ve gained 6 pounds over the course of the last two months! Mama has to take you in for an allergy panel blood test, to see if you have any allergies to soy, dairy, peanuts, wheat or egg white, because of the eczema you have. Dr. S agrees with our wish to wait until you’re six months old to start solids - you’re getting all you need with the breastcreammilk I make. You got your four month shots too, and you were decidedly displeased with those - but who can blame you? You did do a much better job with the shots than at the 2 month mark.

It’s really hard to be your mama sometimes. Your baba tells me all the time that you love me, and I want so desperately to believe it. Right now I think you like me a lot, I’m there for you when you need milk (at night, at least) and sometimes I make you laugh. It’s not your fault that it’s hard for me to be your mama - I’m just learning how to do it, and I want so badly to do a good job. I’m trying hard, so I hope one day you’ll forgive me when I make the mistakes I know I’ll make.

I love you so very much. I knew I’d love you when we first found out we were pregnant with you - the idea of you, at the very least - but now that I know you and your quirks and your smiles and your coos, I can’t imagine anyone but you in our lives.

Love,
Mama