I am 12 weeks pregnant this week, which is kind of unreal; I feel like I just found out yesterday. This pregnancy is going by super fast. As is everything else in life right now. So, a list.

• Every time I see pictures of happy couples getting married I get a little verklempt. Note to Californians who want to destroy other people’s happiness: take it from me - one half of a straight couple who was married in Massachusetts after TEH GAYS were allowed to do so - the earth has not shattered and our relationship is not marred by same sex couples getting married (but we are constantly annoyed and irritated at straight couples who don’t want to extend the same privilege to their peers, so to hell with you).
• My friend from high school Alex came up to visit from southern California this past weekend - it was so nice to catch up! And as Josh mentioned to me at one point, “It’s weird that someone’s here whose known you longer than we’ve been together.” hehe.
• Pregnancy updates: I’m in maternity clothes full-time now. Some are amazed I have a belly so far; my response, not meant to be self-deprecating, just honest - I’ve always had a belly, now the uterus is pushing it out. At the last ultrasound last week, the baby’s neck fold looked great, and s/he is all of 4 centimeters long. Insane. Next official ultrasound is the Big One where we can find out the sex if we so choose (I am undecided this time) and that is July 29th. That doesn’t seem like it’s very far from now at all!
• I broke my favorite cheap little lens for my camera awhile back. Luckily, its replacement came today. I am excited to take pictures now especially that summer time seems to be full force at least on this side of the bay (still chilly all the time in San Francisco) and we can reliably count on nice and sunny days.
• Beedies update: I am now on insulin pretty much all the time. I am on a nighttime insulin, NPH, a long-lasting insulin that should keep me even at night and on a daytime insulin, Humalog/Lispro, that is rapid-acting and should take care of my meals. I am still on Metformin, but an extended release type, one in the AM and one in the PM. I am kind of in love with insulin - I wish I’d started taking it a long time ago!
• Matthew turns 2 next month. Mom is coming out to spend time with us for his birthday, as is Josh’s parents, so that will be fun. Busy, but fun.
• Two stories that should just Shock You immensely (thanks, Alice!): Report:Exams reveal abuse, torture of detainees and Two Bipartisan Reports Detail Administration Misstatements on Prewar Iraq Intelligence, and Inappropriate Intelligence Activities by Pentagon Policy Office. These should be filed and cross-referenced in the “No Shit, Sherlock” files and the “Why isn’t anyone caring more about this bullshit?” files. Gah.

And to end things here, a gratuitous aforementioned uterus-pushing-up-belleh-chunk pic:

Right now I am sitting at my desk, too afraid to deal with the army of angry, hungry ants that are hovering over the remains of what was a delightfully decadent and good/bad dinner (good = tastes great! bad = not the best of things I have eaten, ahoy) from last night, which were tied up in a bag next to the trash can. These ants are smart. They send a scout out looking for the good stuff, and then tell all their damned friends to come and party. UGH. Dear lord, I will never not take food out again, but why does our old apartment have gaps where these little bastards come and wait for my misstep?

Luckily, there is a Josh in there, who is being the sweetest person ever and not holding my mistakes over my head like he ought to. God bless him. Ants. Ugh.

In less antsy news, thank you for your kind wishes about our impending arrival! Sometimes I think to myself, “Holy crap, what have we done to poor Matthew?” and then I think, “He’ll love having someone to gang up on us with.” So we’re even. He’s not really sure about what is going on, but from time to time we tell him that there’s a baby in Mama’s belly but he will always be Mama’s baby. Here is a case where my sentimentality about him will probably end up confusing him. I have halfheartedly looked for books out there, but I’m not sure he’s old enough to appreciate a book right now on the topic. At any rate, I am sure it will be easier to talk about when he can see my belly get bigger and maybe feel the baby kick.

Crazy. I can hardly believe we’re doing this again.

This has been a good weekend - despite feeling like a truck ran me over from here to the ends of the earth. Josh’s sister is in town, so we strongarmed her into babysitting our fussy toddler on Friday night while we ran away (oh yes, literally - I ran down the stairs and urged Josh to hurry behind me so M wouldn’t fuss as badly, although as we shut the door I heard a little wail coming from upstairs) to a delightful Cameroonian restaurant in south Berkeley. Delicious, and perhaps because of the food, or perhaps because we were starved rats, we ate really fast, and then headed over to Barnes & Noble in Emeryville to kill some time before the movie started - we saw Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Good movie, although to be honest I think I have seen entirely too much of Jason Segal’s penis.

Yesterday was a deliciously napful day. After Josh put Matthew down for a nap, we settled in to watch an episode of News Radio on DVD. Halfway through, I started conking out, and by the time I woke up a couple of hours later, Josh had done the grocery shopping and put them away.

Today, I woke up a little earlier than I would have liked (and it’s my morning to sleep in, which seems like the greater injustice!). We met Jera for brunch at the Thai Buddhist temple and ate oh so much food, and then hit the farmer’s market. It’s been a lazy Sunday afternoon - the best kind - and really, I couldn’t ask for anything more. Maybe a pony. Ponies are good.

One of the things I promised myself I would not do is to let parenting subsume my entire life, and for the most part, I think I’ve done okay with that. My problem right now is that I am finding it hard to balance everything and I am overwhelmed with so much stuff on my to-do list that it drives me a little insane. I wake up at 6:10ish in the morning and try to leave the house by 7:30. Work, work, work, and then I come home and usually hit the door at around 6:45, at which point it’s time to feed and bathe the kid, do dinner, eat dinner with Josh/watch a DVD, and clean up from dinner, and before you know it, it’s 10:30 (and this case, 11:30) and it’s time for bed. I haven’t run for weeks (mostly because of the sick). My clothes don’t fit well. I am just drained.

I don’t know how to do it - how to have a full, rich life, career, and role as a mother without totally losing my mind. There is so much I want to do and yet here I am. Blah.

This weekend has been very full. It’s only 1:42pm on Sunday and already I kind of want to curl up and rest, but I have an essay to write and the sun is so bright outside I can’t stop looking out of the window.

Yesterday was my morning to sleep in - but for me, sleeping in is like 7, 7:30 (I will most of the time lay there and surf the web on my Sidekick or just lay there all awake). So the next best thing: cuddling up in bed with Josh and Matthew, except Matthew doesn’t get the cuddling thing and instead wrestles us and beats the hell out of us. After a video chat with Josh’s parents, lunch and a nap, we took Matthew to get a haircut. He was not pleased at first, but eventually cried when we tried to leave, so all in all, an okay experience.

Today, we headed out to the farmer’s market at what seemed to be early but then in retrospect seemed late (thanks, daylight savings time!). We headed up to South Berkeley to the Sunday Thai Buddhist Temple brunch and for $20, we stuffed ourselves silly with chicken curry, beef panang red curry, 4 spring rolls, 4 cups of thai iced tea, and mango sticky rice for dessert. Amazing. We’re definitely going back and trying at least the pad thai next time.

Pictures to post later. The weather in the Bay Area has been just amazing. I haven’t seen snow in over a year and I don’t miss it one little bit.

My first real memories of Larue Simmons when I was in between my first and second years in graduate school. I was in Alaska for the summer and she was the office manager for the center where I was going to be a graduate assistant for the fall. I had some paperwork to fill out, so she faxed me a copy of it, with her pretty handwriting. If I look hard enough I probably still have it somewhere here. She wrote with her left hand and always had the most immaculate red nails.

Larue and I became fast friends. She was very down-to-earth and really took care of all of us in that office. I remember her making up our meeting agendas and how she planned the last minute nitty gritty details of a speaker coming onto campus and we divided ourselves up accordingly and we got things done. We used to eat lunch together at least once a week - our favorite lunch was chicken and cashews from the local Chinese delivery place. “Casey, I’m about to make an order. Do you want your regular?”

“Oh, Larue, I shouldn’t!” She’d laugh and pat her belly.

“Neither should I. So do you want your regular order?” And I always did.

I lived 400+ miles away from my mother while I was in graduate school. Larue stood in, and stood in well - not just for my mother, but everyone’s. The students in our office loved Larue. They would come in and just sit and talk to Larue and before graduation, come in with hugs and kisses and flowers and tears. She was a mother to her own daughter and a mother to all of us who needed one.

Larue died on Monday, after a car accident, a freak car accident. She just graduated from college in December. She was a new grandmother. She was living her life loudly.

I think back to my time at James Madison with fondness. I loved every minute I was there - I loved walking up the sloping hill to Weaver, I loved running across the street from Hoffman, always perpetually late for my classes even though I was less than 5 minutes away. I loved piling into a car at 2AM for Waffle House’s weak coffee and scattered, covered and smothered potatoes. Being at JMU as a student is an experience I’ve always wanted to recreate but I’ve never found the right mix of people or circumstances to make that a reality.

Larue was the right person and the right circumstance, and I cannot express how sad I am that the next time I go visit my beloved alma mater, I won’t be able to give Larue a hug and share some bad Chinese takeout with her.

It is so cliché, the concept of living life to the fullest and making sure every moment counts, but it’s got a little grain of truth. If you’re not doing what you want, why not?

I saw a message on a friend’s facebook status account and by the tone of it, I knew things weren’t good. It was with dread that I wrote to Larue’s current boss, Jim (and on Jim I could write an entire entry - this man is amazing). My heart sank when he wrote me back this morning, confirming the news.

Shannon, your entry is wonderful. I miss being at JMU right now, because I sure could soak up some of that purple and gold comfort as we grieve the loss of a fine woman and a wonderful friend.

I voted for Barack Obama today, like I did a few years ago when he was vying to be Senator. I could write a list of the reasons why I think Obama is qualified and ready for the job, but you can read political punditry elsewhere. Since this is a personal blog, I’ll tell you my personal reasons for voting for him.

I look at our current administration in the White House and I cringe. I can’t stand to listen to the President speak. I am ashamed, as a US citizen, that this man represents us before the world. I think he is incredibly irresponsible and dangerous, and a liar to boot.

It is so cliché - Obama’s message about hope and change and the “Yes you can!” attitude. But it is something that I need. When Obama was running for Senate in Illinois, I was inspired by him. He is a man I want Matthew to look up to. I want someone in the White House who can restore dignity back to the position. I want someone who can inspire the masses because in my mind, this position needs someone powerful enough to lead not only the senators and representatives in Congress, but everyone.

Make no mistake - I think I share a giddy joy with many people across the US right now (and anxiety but that’s to be expected). I can’t remember an election where people were so excited and pumped and motivated and moved, either by Obama or Clinton. I will be voting for either of these two promising candidates, without a doubt. But my first vote went to Obama in 2004, and I am privileged to be able to vote for him again in 2008.

Thursday, January 24th. I called Josh on my way home from work and he was at Dixie’s and she said Dixie was changing his diaper and noticed that his boil had burst and was draining. “Boil? Which one?” because the boy had a few (gah gah gah) and they’d all petered out, much better than mine.

On our way home from the train station, M was very quiet and stiff and sullen and didn’t even crack a smile at all. A couple of times I noticed him shivering but I figured it was because he didn’t have gloves and it was a little chilly out. We got home and I got him dinner - cue #1 that he wasn’t feeling well, he didn’t want any of it - NONE at all. And he kept walking stiffly and was shaking and shivering. He fussed about sitting down and fussed about everything. I finally said it was bedtime and got him ready for a bath and then bed.

The boil was not where I thought it was - it was about in the SAME exact position as mine were - in the back near the top of his butt crack and so swollen it was like the size of my palm!! It had bust open and drained a little, but not much. We sat in the tub for a little while and then I put some gauze and antibiotic ointment on it, put a diaper on him, and we cuddled and he’s sleeping for now. And the shivering? He’s got a 102ºF fever, so I gave him some Tylenol.

Friday, January 25th. Josh and I got Matthew ready, after another dose of Tylenol and outright anger from him when we changed his diaper, and went to the doctor’s office for walk-in hour. We got there at 9:15 or so that morning; Josh emailed into work saying he’d be late, I had my backpack with my commute stuff, ready to go after we were done there. Ha.

We didn’t see anyone until 11:30 (and by then Matthew was beyond cranky, as were we). I tried not to cry at one point when I went back to ask when we could get a room and see a doctor. We finally saw a doctor and with one look and a poke, she sent us to the emergency room at the Children’s Hospital for it to be drained - because he’s so young he would have to be sedated. I gave up the ghost on trying not to cry.

The only good bit out of this entire drama is that we live about 3 blocks from the doctor’s and we live in the other direction about 3 blocks from the hospital. Handy. So by the time we get into the hospital, it was around 12:30pm. The emergency department took a look at this nasty abscess, did an ultrasound, and decided to admit him (waterworks) for IV antibiotics and monitoring in case the abscess needed draining.

We got to our “room” - which was a curtained off area shared by 8 or so other kids, in various stages of illness. Only one parent could stay overnight at a time, and I stayed on the first night. Matthew received Clindamycin every 8 hours for 40 minutes or so a pop, and for a while also albuterol treatments for his cough. Because of the timing and the noise and everything, Matthew was a bear to get to sleep that night, and stay asleep.

Saturday, January 26th. Still more hospital. It is all we can do to keep Matthew occupied and amused. Josh’s grandmother came by to visit, and the two of them went to do grocery shopping together at one point. Bored beyond belief. Matthew’s culture comes back - definitely MRSA. Fortunately, he is responding well to the Clindamycin; according to the Infectious Diseases specialist, if he didn’t, then things would be more complicated. Josh stayed with Matthew Saturday night while I slept at home.

Sunday, January 27th. Much of the same boredom. We were anticipating being able to go home today, but no go. Gah.

Monday, January 28th. Same boredom, finally sprung from the prison of the hospital. Woo! Except Matthew takes a spill about an hour after we get back and falls down some stairs, while strapped into his stroller. So we head back out to the doctor’s office, where she proclaims him fine and reassures us that we’re not bad parents. Hard to believe that, what with the MRSA and the big ass bruise on his poor little noggin.

I’m slowly crawling out of the abyss of infections and ass abscesses to post some pictures. I got a new lens for my camera (Josh’s mom: “That didn’t take long!”) and I am kind of madly in love with it. I am also feeling so, so much better. After the onset of the second abscess, I started on another round of antibiotics and that really took a lot out of me. Last week was a wash - I went to work on Monday and left around 4:30 to get a follow-up from the doctor from my first abscess. Tuesday, I stayed home because we were up late with Matthew (one day I won’t get up in the middle of the night with him, yes?) and I was exhausted - and felt the start of abscess #2 start to rear its ugly head. Wednesday, I took Matthew to the doctor (side note; the administration there totally bites the big one; we were there for a 9:15 appointment about 5 minutes late and didn’t see the doctor until 10:30 and then didn’t even LEAVE until 12:15. Matthew and I were starving and we were both whining on and off.). Thursday, I was a moron who went into work because I felt fine but as soon as I got there, quickly deteriorated and went home, where I stayed, pretty much holed up, until today. Gah.

I told Josh today on the way home from work that I felt like a productive member of society again. Phew.

Anyway, on with the good!

- Abscess healing brilliantly;
- Love my new haircut;
- Love my new lens and am getting back into my photography again, which I have sorely, sorely missed;
- Enjoying knitting again;
- Marveling at Matthew’s real kisses - pursed lips and all - mixed in with the open mouth slobbery ones;
- Just enough chill and bite in the air to remind me that it’s not always summertime in California.

The verdict thus far: undecided. Matthew’s pediatrician thinks his recurrent cysts/boils in his diaper area are MRSA. She thinks all of us have it (and definitely me too since I’ve had 2 bad abscesses and cellulitis), Josh has colonized it too. So we have to wash all of our clothes in hot water:

which will come in handy when we get our washer and dryer this weekend!

We also have to do bleach baths once a week (all of us), and swab the insides of our noses with an antibiotic ointment.

Of course, my doctor doesn’t think I have MRSA. I’m on another antibiotic, and if my current abscess doesn’t decrease after this course is done, then I have to go in and get cultured.

Man almighty am I sick of being sick.

Matthew, though, is none the worse for wear. He spent a bit of time yesterday in and out of Ava’s crate.