Here is Matthew, stripped down to a diaper after a cold bath so we could both cool down yesterday afternoon. We’re in the middle of a “heat wave” here in the Bay Area - temps in the 90s. Of course, we have no AC, just a couple of fans I got from our last heat wave, and we really don’t need AC - it’s going to be back to normal in the 70s tomorrow, which is the kind of summer I am really in the right state of mind for. Josh is calling me a true Californian already. It’s true - I am a delicate flower! But dude, one of the reasons we moved here is because of the weather.

Witness: Chicago, IL, July 24, 2005.

At any rate, I am looking forward to tomorrow and the return of pretty happy weather. I am so superficial.

I am 12 weeks pregnant this week, which is kind of unreal; I feel like I just found out yesterday. This pregnancy is going by super fast. As is everything else in life right now. So, a list.

• Every time I see pictures of happy couples getting married I get a little verklempt. Note to Californians who want to destroy other people’s happiness: take it from me - one half of a straight couple who was married in Massachusetts after TEH GAYS were allowed to do so - the earth has not shattered and our relationship is not marred by same sex couples getting married (but we are constantly annoyed and irritated at straight couples who don’t want to extend the same privilege to their peers, so to hell with you).
• My friend from high school Alex came up to visit from southern California this past weekend - it was so nice to catch up! And as Josh mentioned to me at one point, “It’s weird that someone’s here whose known you longer than we’ve been together.” hehe.
• Pregnancy updates: I’m in maternity clothes full-time now. Some are amazed I have a belly so far; my response, not meant to be self-deprecating, just honest - I’ve always had a belly, now the uterus is pushing it out. At the last ultrasound last week, the baby’s neck fold looked great, and s/he is all of 4 centimeters long. Insane. Next official ultrasound is the Big One where we can find out the sex if we so choose (I am undecided this time) and that is July 29th. That doesn’t seem like it’s very far from now at all!
• I broke my favorite cheap little lens for my camera awhile back. Luckily, its replacement came today. I am excited to take pictures now especially that summer time seems to be full force at least on this side of the bay (still chilly all the time in San Francisco) and we can reliably count on nice and sunny days.
• Beedies update: I am now on insulin pretty much all the time. I am on a nighttime insulin, NPH, a long-lasting insulin that should keep me even at night and on a daytime insulin, Humalog/Lispro, that is rapid-acting and should take care of my meals. I am still on Metformin, but an extended release type, one in the AM and one in the PM. I am kind of in love with insulin - I wish I’d started taking it a long time ago!
• Matthew turns 2 next month. Mom is coming out to spend time with us for his birthday, as is Josh’s parents, so that will be fun. Busy, but fun.
• Two stories that should just Shock You immensely (thanks, Alice!): Report:Exams reveal abuse, torture of detainees and Two Bipartisan Reports Detail Administration Misstatements on Prewar Iraq Intelligence, and Inappropriate Intelligence Activities by Pentagon Policy Office. These should be filed and cross-referenced in the “No Shit, Sherlock” files and the “Why isn’t anyone caring more about this bullshit?” files. Gah.

And to end things here, a gratuitous aforementioned uterus-pushing-up-belleh-chunk pic:

He’s learned how to cheese it up for the camera:

Right now I am sitting at my desk, too afraid to deal with the army of angry, hungry ants that are hovering over the remains of what was a delightfully decadent and good/bad dinner (good = tastes great! bad = not the best of things I have eaten, ahoy) from last night, which were tied up in a bag next to the trash can. These ants are smart. They send a scout out looking for the good stuff, and then tell all their damned friends to come and party. UGH. Dear lord, I will never not take food out again, but why does our old apartment have gaps where these little bastards come and wait for my misstep?

Luckily, there is a Josh in there, who is being the sweetest person ever and not holding my mistakes over my head like he ought to. God bless him. Ants. Ugh.

In less antsy news, thank you for your kind wishes about our impending arrival! Sometimes I think to myself, “Holy crap, what have we done to poor Matthew?” and then I think, “He’ll love having someone to gang up on us with.” So we’re even. He’s not really sure about what is going on, but from time to time we tell him that there’s a baby in Mama’s belly but he will always be Mama’s baby. Here is a case where my sentimentality about him will probably end up confusing him. I have halfheartedly looked for books out there, but I’m not sure he’s old enough to appreciate a book right now on the topic. At any rate, I am sure it will be easier to talk about when he can see my belly get bigger and maybe feel the baby kick.

Crazy. I can hardly believe we’re doing this again.

…that my baby could start morphing into an honest-to-goodness little person?

Deep down, though, he is still my little schmoo and I will look back wistfully at these days when I am his favorite person and he loves to randomly kiss, hug, and cuddle me. I can’t cuddle him when he’s 30, can I?

This has been a good weekend - despite feeling like a truck ran me over from here to the ends of the earth. Josh’s sister is in town, so we strongarmed her into babysitting our fussy toddler on Friday night while we ran away (oh yes, literally - I ran down the stairs and urged Josh to hurry behind me so M wouldn’t fuss as badly, although as we shut the door I heard a little wail coming from upstairs) to a delightful Cameroonian restaurant in south Berkeley. Delicious, and perhaps because of the food, or perhaps because we were starved rats, we ate really fast, and then headed over to Barnes & Noble in Emeryville to kill some time before the movie started - we saw Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Good movie, although to be honest I think I have seen entirely too much of Jason Segal’s penis.

Yesterday was a deliciously napful day. After Josh put Matthew down for a nap, we settled in to watch an episode of News Radio on DVD. Halfway through, I started conking out, and by the time I woke up a couple of hours later, Josh had done the grocery shopping and put them away.

Today, I woke up a little earlier than I would have liked (and it’s my morning to sleep in, which seems like the greater injustice!). We met Jera for brunch at the Thai Buddhist temple and ate oh so much food, and then hit the farmer’s market. It’s been a lazy Sunday afternoon - the best kind - and really, I couldn’t ask for anything more. Maybe a pony. Ponies are good.

I am having a blast these days - I am finally sitting down and scanning in pictures from years past - from when my mom was a kid - and also from high school and college. I am fascinated now by pictures of my uncle when he was a young boy, and also of my grandmother as a young woman and a new mother.

The most amusing thus far is this picture. Notice the little girl (ahem) behind the screen door screaming her head off because she was not going to be in the picture?

Now notice her son, almost 30 years later:

I recently found out that my uncles were not fraternal, but identical. It’s fairly evident when you see them in their younger years, but as adults, they were as different as different could be. Their voices were different - their body types different, and certainly their personalities (obviously not affected by genetics) were different.

What I would give to have known them at a younger age - before the stresses of adulthood and marriage and work and making ends meet created permanent furrows in their brows.

Josh and Matthew, along with Josh’s grandmother, went to Santa Fe this past weekend to see his sister graduate from college. I had to work this weekend so unfortunately was unable to make it - congrats Jera! - and so on Friday morning, I drove the three of them to the airport, and they went off. I was sad, but I did not cry!

This weekend was difficult - I had a hard time falling asleep on Friday night, and then last night I went to bed too late because I was caught up in watching outtakes from Whose Line Is It Anyway? on youtube. I ran a lot of errands yesterday and also did my part to stimulate the economy (which we haven’t gotten our check yet, but look at me, being a good citizen and stimulating things!).

Today, I went to pick them up at the airport and finally they arrived and I pulled up in the car (I was driving Josh’s grandmother’s car this weekend) and hopped out. Matthew was standing behind the suitcase or stroller, so Josh nudged him onto the sidewalk and I called out to him. He was so excited and happy that he started running immediately and screaming with joy. He hugged me non-stop for five minutes and did not let go of my neck. He also peppered my face generously with kisses and squealed every now and again and man oh MAN was that the best feeling EVER. I hated seeing them go, but the homecoming - that was amazing. If I ever before doubted this boy’s love for me, today’s display definitely proved me wrong, and I’m glad for that.

I know I wrote about post-partum depression before, but every time I see Matthew displaying intense affection it makes me sad and happy at the same time - sad that at the time I had a hard time seeing Matthew display this affection in the ways he knew how to then, and sad that I was so hard on myself. But I am also happy, because the struggle to get here - while I do not recommend it - makes me appreciate what I do have ten times over.

I know parenting isn’t for everyone. I do wish, though, there was a way I could bottle up this boy’s pure ecstatic joy and give everyone a taste of it. It really, really made my day.

Best thing about going to a baseball game with a toddler: teaching him how to boo the Phillies - he balls his fists up tight, puts them near his mouth and hoots like an owl.

This parenting thing is so much fun. Ask me this again on a Saturday morning when he’s stripped himself naked and smeared poop on his chest.

Ah, it’s still fun, just messy.

We are a bag of tired bones here today at Casa Cajo. The last two nights have been sucky - Matthew was secretly replaced by a demon of some sort and woke up repeatedly and unendingly. As a result, we are all zombies, of course, except for the little boy. He has a way about him.

We took him into the doctor this morning because we are at the start of week 3 of this sick that just will not quit (actually, for ALL of us) and we wanted to rule out things like ear infections or something nastier brewing in his little germ factory’s caves. He is fine. I love our pediatrician to bits and pieces - she greeted us warmly today and said how nice it was to see the whole family (although I think she was being nice - two of us looked like we were about to keel over!) and she does a great job of reassuring us me that everything is fine and he is headed in the right direction. I asked, because I always do, about Matthew’s speech and she said she is not worried one little bit, and when I told her that one of my July mom’s babies already knew her A-B-C’s, she reassured me. I like her - she makes me feel competent and not paranoid. Hard task, that.

For my own reference, a list of things Matthew says now:
- mama (although the stinker will actually, if you ask him to say mama, say baba instead. Pfeh!)
- baba
- dog
- duck
- outside
- rabbit
- grandma
- great-grandma
- thank you (never with us, the stinker)
- banana
- orange
- What’s that?
- All done!
- Hi there!
- milk

Things Matthew understands:
- feet
- shoes (boy loves shoes. Watch out Zappos)
- socks
- diaper change
- he nods yes and no appropriately (although if he isn’t sure, he’ll nod both at once!)
- hungry (heads for fridge)
- milk or water (heads for fridge or points for a sippy cup in the dish drainer)
- book
- hug
- kiss
- blow a kiss
- Peekaboo
- cover up and cuddle in bed

And lastly, a funny after today’s doctor’s visit: we took Matthew to daycare and there were a few other of the full-time kids there. Matthew ran into their arms and gave them kisses and hugs and it was very sweet. Then my goofball son decided to play on the floor and put his head down and stuck his butt up in the air, à la downward facing dog. This was funny, because hey, isn’t a baby’s butt in the air a funny thing? What’s even more funny is that Matthew has found his leadership skills in yoga: within a few minutes all of the kids were head-down on the carpet with their butts in the air. I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time.