We came back from the doctor’s a couple of hours ago, an unexpected visit because…

…there was blood in Matthew’s diaper.

Keen readers will remember that just a week or so ago I took Matthew up to get allergy testing done, and the tests showed he wasn’t allergic to soy, dairy, peanuts, wheat, or eggwhite. Still, this past week there was mucous in his diapers, and of course, his persistent issues with eczema. Two mornings ago and this morning, he also puked on me - and at the time I attributed it to him being a bit piggy and overeating.

Anyway, I called the nurse triage line at the pediatrician’s office and told her about the blood and she told me to come right in. I bundled M up in the Moby Wrap and off we went. The pediatrician we saw wasn’t M’s regular pediatrician, he was another one in her practice.

He thinks there are two possibilities; one, it could be some sort of anal fissure (side note, ew), where blood showed because he strained too much. He didn’t want to do a rectal exam because, and I quote, “My pinky is pretty big and might cause more bleeding or tearing.” Ugh.

The other possibility is a cows milk protein sensitivity. This type of thing doesn’t show up on the allergy tests Matthew took. Based on everything I’ve read and what Matthew’s experienced, I think it’s the protein sensitivity.

The doctor wants to wait and see if blood appears again, and if so, then bring him in for another check-up and proceed from there. I can see the caution, but christ, the idea of waiting for him to pass blood in his diaper again is kind of horrific.

I am a lot less anxious about this than I think I would have been a few weeks ago. I am going to wait until Josh comes home, and then we are going to talk about this together. I am fully committed to breastfeeding Matthew for at least one year, and if it means I have to cut out dairy, then I will.

I am also not going to think too terribly hard about the amount of frozen breastmilk in my freezer that if it does turn out to be a cow milk protein sensitivity, I will have to dump. 250 ounces I would have to get rid of.

It is to cry.

In other news, my 4.5 month old son weighs 22 lbs, 4.5 ounces. He is huge, larger than your average six or seven month old. My biceps are going to be so sculpted in a few months.

The giggles don’t stop ’round here:

Dear Matthew:

It has been just about a year since the idea of you first came around. I found out I was pregnant on November 9th of last year, and this year, what was once the zygote and blastocyst is now a huge baby. Four months ago seems like a lifetime, and just a minute ago. I watch the screensaver on your baba’s laptop and when the pictures of you as a newborn swish past, I say to Baba, “That’s a different baby!”

This month is unfortunately low on pictures, because Mama left the battery behind in Connecticut one weekend, but it’s back now and month 5 will be plentiful, I promise. I did get some good, if not grainy, pictures with my cell phone.

Things have settled into a nice pattern with you. It was my first full month back at work and despite being overwhelmed with fatigue, like, all the time, I think all in all it was good. Every day you get up with Mama, some time between 5 and 6 am, and we talk while I prepare your bottles. You and Baba get to spend the days together reading books, taking Ava for walks, and fighting naps!

Yes, you are the king of the 45 minute nap. It seems as though there is a little timer inside your head that strikes as soon as the 45 minute mark goes off. It has gotten to the point where if a nap lasts longer than 45 minutes, we hold our breath, not knowing what to expect. You sleep better at night, although as I write this, you’ve been having a few fitful nights of sleep, which will hopefully be just a blip in the road. In the last week you’ve only really gotten up once at night - near 3 or 4 am, which is nice, just the getting up once. I bring you back to bed with us and let you nurse as I try to catch a few more z’s before getting up for the morning. And when you finally do stir and wake in the morning, you are well-rested and you smile largely. You fall asleep much better for Baba than you do Mama, and it’s because, we suspect, you are frantic with the smell of milk, so readily available.

You do a lot of sitting now! Your head control is really very good, and you grunt a little as you attempt to move your chunk up into an upright position. Now, Mama and Baba can sit you on our laps and you do very well just sitting!

You have been laughing so heartily lately - you are so much fun to hang around! You love it when Mama or Baba blows raspberries/gums your belly (same action, different names according to which parent you’re talking to!) and you also find it hilarious when Baba or Mama fake-cries back at you when you’re in the midst of a meltdown. You are also quite the flirt - when Baba brings you to visit Mama at work, you smile and gurgle at all of Mama’s friends. They are quite taken with you, as we are too. Sometimes I think you are taken with yourself - we look at each other in the mirror and you grin and then quickly hide your face, burying your head in my shoulder. Are you shy? Doesn’t seem like it! I have to act quickly, though, and move my head out of the way, lest you divebomb and jam your head in my chin. Mama made that mistake once. Ow.

You took another flight this month - you are quite the frequent flier! We flew back east to see Mama’s good friends Mary Ellen and Jeff get married. You were the youngest guest at the party, and frankly, the least dressed. You managed to poop through both your tops and a pair of pants.

One day you’ll be very cross at me for writing about your poops online. I hope you forgive me.

You have also been doing a lot of growing. You grew out of your pack ‘n play and your carseat - your carseat you grew out of while you were in CT so we had to rush and buy you a convertible seat! You now sleep in your very own crib, and have two new strollers - a jogging stroller whose tires we need to fill with air, and a collapsable stroller that Mary is lending us.

For one little baby, you sure do have a lot of wheels!

We took you to the doctor for your four month visit and you are a healthy little boy! You weigh 21 lbs. and 10 oz., you are 26.5 inches long, and your head circumference is 17.6 inches. You’ve gained 6 pounds over the course of the last two months! Mama has to take you in for an allergy panel blood test, to see if you have any allergies to soy, dairy, peanuts, wheat or egg white, because of the eczema you have. Dr. S agrees with our wish to wait until you’re six months old to start solids - you’re getting all you need with the breastcreammilk I make. You got your four month shots too, and you were decidedly displeased with those - but who can blame you? You did do a much better job with the shots than at the 2 month mark.

It’s really hard to be your mama sometimes. Your baba tells me all the time that you love me, and I want so desperately to believe it. Right now I think you like me a lot, I’m there for you when you need milk (at night, at least) and sometimes I make you laugh. It’s not your fault that it’s hard for me to be your mama - I’m just learning how to do it, and I want so badly to do a good job. I’m trying hard, so I hope one day you’ll forgive me when I make the mistakes I know I’ll make.

I love you so very much. I knew I’d love you when we first found out we were pregnant with you - the idea of you, at the very least - but now that I know you and your quirks and your smiles and your coos, I can’t imagine anyone but you in our lives.

Love,
Mama

A year ago, I found out I was pregnant.

Now look at the zygote:

We did.

Josh met me with the small person and we headed to our voting location together. All of the workers oohed and ahhed over Matthew, and he accompanied me to the machine - I did the electronic ballot and Josh did the paper/pen ballot. The electronic ballot wasn’t bad at all - once I was done, I reviewed everything on the screen, the machine printed out a paper receipt and reverified.

There were two things, though, that irked me. One, voting for judges. That those positions are politicized is beyond the level of what I consider reasonable. Ugh.

The other is that there were a few offices where the candidate was running unopposed. I object to that. So I wrote in Matthew’s name for such positions as Water Commissioner. Lord knows this child makes a lot of water.

Josh and I celebrated my 30th birthday with a dinner out last night - 2 weeks later (October was a slim month money-wise because the end of my maternity leave was unpaid; and November is shaping up to be as well - what with holiday plane tickets and the end of my maternity leave being unpaid (I get paid on the last day of the month, so at the end of September, my pay was a little less because of the few days in September that were unpaid, and the same in October) ).

Anyway, fourteen thousand parentheticals later, we ended up going out west to Albany Park, to Chicago Kalbi, a highly recommended Korean restaurant. We haven’t had Korean food in forever, not since our first few weeks in Chicago, and the last place we went didn’t compare nearly as well to our favorite Korean restaurant in Hadley, Gohyang. The parking outside Chicago Kalbi was horrendous - I have a rental this weekend via work, so we took advantage of having a car and did a bunch of errands. But I wish we’d left the car at home; driving and trying to find a place to park in Albany Park was the pits!

The food was excellent - there was tons of it, including the customary condiments on the side - kim chi, potatoes, seaweed, and a spicy soy bean/tofu paste thing. We had bulgogi, chicken and squid - so good.

I wish we had a Korean place closer to us. Alas.

I cried a lot yesterday.

All of this work is hard work. I knew that going in, but man, it is hitting me like a ton of bricks. I am up anywhere between 4AM and 6AM every day, tending to Matthew, pumping an engorged boob, or getting ready for work. I pump at least twice a day at work. I hate pumping. I leave work and arrive at home just in time for putting Matthew to bed. During the week I have a total of maybe 2 hours of alert and pleasant awake time with Matthew.

Then, there is dinner (which Josh prepares 99% of the meals), laundry, bottle cleaning (oh, how I hate bottle cleaning), sleeping, and it just goes on.

I know I’m not a bad mother - in my eyes, bad mothers are the abusive ones, the harmful ones, the hateful ones. And I have so much love for this little boy it’s amazing to me. But sometimes I don’t feel like a particularly good mother. And that really bothers me.

Two nights ago, Matthew and I were in the midst of our nighttime routine - bath, book and boob. I usually combine the latter two and read Goodnight Moon to him while he nurses. I read it quietly, and in the dark. I still use the book, although I’ve long since memorized the book.

Two nights ago, though, it was as if he suddenly realized what I was doing - reading to him. He would latch on, and as soon as I would start reading aloud, he’d latch off and look up into my eyes and stare. I would latch him back on, and read again and pop! Off of the breast, looking straight into my eyes. On and off we read Goodnight Moon that night, him staring at me intently.

Something happened that night - a little lightbulb went on in his head and I think he realized something about our relationship that he hadn’t conceived of before. And something happened to me that night too - I think I saw a glimpse of what it’s like to be a mother.

Josh: (1:35:06 PM): Just wrestled Matthew back down to sleep. Ooh fun.
Josh: (1:35:39 PM): Never mind, he’s wailing again. Ugh.
Josh: (1:37:03 PM): Except he may have settled back down after all. Heh.
Josh: (1:38:16 PM): And now he’s wailing again. Oy vey.
Casey: (1:39:05 PM): aya
Josh: (1:40:04 PM): I just wrestled him back down. Again.
Josh: (1:40:21 PM): this is like the 2000 election. Gore! No, Bush! No, Gore! No, Bush, really! No, wait, we have no idea!