…the first thing I thought of when I passed by an office of the California Highway Patrol was how hot Kiefer Sutherland is when he is sober?

Because I am a damn mark, that’s why.

We have been wearing Matthew since he was at least a month old. At two months he was big enough for his first mei tai and ever since it has been our carrier of choice. He’s used to it now - we use it everywhere - at the farmer’s market, at the airport, to and from daycare.

Beyond the convenience factor is the cuddly factor. It’s probably the only time we get to really snuggle him when he’s strapped to us and can’t run away. We can’t wear him forever, but we sure can enjoy the times he’s tight into us, gives us hugs, and lays wet and sloppy kisses on our lips.

Did you know? China is out to get you!

BAH.

China is trying to poison you. So watch out for those slanty-eyed mongrels in the corner. Don’t let the companies responsible for manufacturing shitty products take responsibility for their actions - just blame the Chinese. It’s easier that way and your lead-poisoned brain doesn’t have to think so hard then.

My friend Liza is an amazing woman in her own right - and then I saw her dedication to her sister and I cried. Liza and Joli are lucky to have a loving woman like Grace in their lives - and I know I feel a little more humbled learning more about her. A dedication.

Before (a few days old, in the hospital for jaundice):

After (this morning after M woke up at 5:30 and then fell back asleep while I was getting ready for work):

Swiped from Stacie.

Natural birth. Well, if you don’t count the induction, narcotics and epidural, then sure, it was natural. A head emerged from my vagina, along with the rest of the baby and assorted baby bits. As unnatural as my birth may have been, I made good decisions and am happy with the process and outcome, and I find myself remarkably more laidback and forgiving of those who have made other decisions for whatever reasons. Walking a mile in others’ shoes and all.

Breastfeeding. In all, a success. We made it to 14.5 months, and considering that was about 14.5 months longer than I thought I would, I rate myself an A. Matthew had low blood sugar when he was born and I agreed to have him take 1/2 ounce of formula on his first night. I know what low blood sugar feels like. He didn’t need that after a long day’s work. After that, we breastfed (I pumped when I went back to work at 3 months post-partum) exclusively until Matthew was 6 months, then we started solids with him. My pumping supply really began to dip 8 months in, and by the time Matthew was 9 months, I ran out of frozen stash and we supplemented with soy formula. I continued to pump measly amounts for another month or so and nursed exclusively on the weekends, and when Matthew was about 11 months, I gave up pumping. We stopped nursing at around 14 months. It was a very easy transition. I had all intentions of letting Matthew lead with the weaning, but it didn’t happen. I didn’t offer, he didn’t care.

I always knew how hard being a mom would be, how hard balancing momhood and my career would be, but man almighty, performing on command for a pump totally, forgive the pun, sucks. I did it because I was cheap and stubborn, and for most of the time I performed decently on command. I was relieved to give up the pump, and I am equally relieved that we were in a good position to be able to afford at least organic formula for Matthew.

And if anyone even hints at the word fenugreek I may have to shout incoherently.
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Babywearing. We have worn Matthew since almost the first day and continue to do so. He grew up in the mei tai (flickr set here) and although he’s over 30 pounds now, we are still going strong. Josh wears him a lot more than I do, but when we fly, it’s the only way we get around the airport. Easy peasy.

Co-sleeping. Yes and no. We gave up on it fully when Matthew was around 6 months old and was clearly able to sleep much better on his own. We still do pull him into bed with us when he’s sick and needs extra cuddles, and in the mornings, he drinks milk while cuddled between us. Otherwise, we can’t do it all the time, because the child likes to stick his small, sharp fingers into soft holes on our faces. Case in point: in Connecticut this past weekend, he woke up cranky at around 3AM. I pulled him into bed with me, we slept and the reason I woke up was because he happily pinched the crap out of my eyes and tried to shove his fingers in my nose. Never mind tried - he succeeded. Tricksy.

CIO - crying it out. Yep, we did this. Close your email clients right now, or if you plan to leave a comment that says what a bad mother I am, don’t bother. Here are the facts - we know our kid better than anyone else on this planet. We know that sometimes he fusses himself minimally down to sleep, we know that sometimes he rolls right over and zonks out, and we know, unfortunately, that sometimes he’s angry as hell and shouts and even if we go in, he gets ANGRIER. So we let him do his business, if it warrants. We don’t do this every night - he doesn’t need it. Nowadays, if he cries in the middle of the night, 9 times out of 10 he can settle himself (hallelujah) and other times he requires intervention. So we intervene when necessary, and if our presence only serves to piss him off further, we leave. That’s that.

Healthy Foods. I think we do a pretty good job in this area. We eat mostly organic foods and prepare a wide variety of meals with as fresh ingredients as possible. Matthew is completely off of baby foods and purees and eats what we eat, with very few exceptions. We shop at a farmer’s market weekly, Matthew eats a lot of fruits and vegetables, and the processed foods he does get, we always try to buy organic (I’m staring at a box of Organic Weetabix, and he loves it madly). We’re lucky to live in an area that has a lot of great produce options; Matthew’s daycare has fresh fruit from the Berkeley Bowl. We restrict his consumption of crap food (i.e., try to avoid HFCS foods and highly sugared/processed stuff) but, hey, we’re human. Sometimes a little ice cream slips in.

I love that I have a son who loves octopus and brussels sprouts and watermelon and rice and crab and raw tuna.

No TV. We fell into this one pretty well. When Matthew was first born, I watched a lot of TV to pass through the eons I spent on the sofa nursing nonstop daily, it seemed. Once it looked like he was actually watching it (this was when he was really young - a month? 2?) we stopped watching it when he was awake, and we don’t watch it now. I think they watch a little bit of TV early in the morning and late in the evening at daycare, but for the most part, he plays outside, he pokes around and explores in our apartment, and is content with turning the tv on but the cable box is off or the tv isn’t set to the cable box. He loves pressing buttons, really. So the only tv he gets is occasional white noise, more often than not a blank blue screen, at which point he’ll turn the tv off or we will for him.

This is all well and good but when we are ready to introduce tv to him I know I’m not going to know any kid’s tv shows at all. He’ll be the only kid in kindergarten who watches Law & Order.

Toys. We’ve only really become interested and concerned lately with all the crud that’s coming out of companies from China (I feel like I need to note that very specifically; it’s not that I don’t trust the Chinese, which I’ve seen people say online, but I don’t trust some of the companies in China), I’ve been looking a little harder and trying to make better decisions about toys for him.

All that being said the kid prefers to press buttons on VCRs and DVD players, poke his own bellybutton, and sit inside a suitcase. Who needs toys?

Cloth diapers. Haven’t used cloth since we left Chicago and I miss it so, so very much! Matthew’s persistent fungal diaper rash (gross, I know) that ebbs and flows and requires us to use yeast infection junk on his crotch (agh!) has only started with the onset of paper diapers. I hate them. Maybe even half-time in cloth would be fine, but then he’d be bringing yeast issues back daily from daycare? Dixie asked us whether or not we used cloth; we should see how open to using cloth she would be. I am pretty close to either buying a portable washing machine or just sucking it up and going to the laundromat once during the week to do his diapers. I don’t know.

Dear Matthew:

Another busy month for all of us! If I had to describe you in one word, it would be flexible. You have had a lot thrown at you this month and you have been an upbeat, happy kid, despite our efforts otherwise!

About a month ago, I went to St. Louis, MO for a conference. The original plan was to have you and Baba join me at the conference, but things happened and I ended up going by myself. I was probably the most miserable I ever was! I had a hard time sleeping at night and I missed you so very much. I was sappy, I admit it. When I got back home I immediately went to daycare and picked you up. You greeted me with a smile so large I thought your face would fall right off. And then you immediately refused to let me go.

You have become such an affectionate little boy. You race into our arms for hugs, cuddle into the nooks of our necks and shoulder for hugs, and lay the wettest and slobberiest kisses on our mouths. If we are not facing you, you will turn us (easy to do in our office swivel chairs) so we are facing you, and you scramble to climb onto our laps.

You are constantly on the move. If you are not asleep, you are wandering around, climbing on top of things you probably ought not to climb, and backing yourself into corners. You love corners!

You are well on the way to speech, slowly but surely. This month we’ve heard you say:
- “Guh Guh” - as you waved goodbye to your Great Grandma Powell.
- “Ah Wah” - as you spied a morsel of food we had and you wanted.
- “Oh!” - that one is pretty self-explanatory.

You participated in your first group walk! Well, I take that back, you sat in your stroller and clapped for all of the participants, while Mama pushed you and walked five miles. It was a lot of fun - you got to see a lot of people, who were clearly all cheering for you, or so you would like to believe.

However, we were so tired afterward, we both conked out together:

Days like those make me really miss our days together as (me) a new mom and (you) a new baby - the cuddling and coziness. Ahh.

You were also quite a sick boy for over a week. A few days before Halloween, you came down with a bad fever - for six days. We took you to the doctor four times in a week, trying to figure out what was going on. It turns out you had a nasty cold that developed into a bacterial ear infection, which then spread a little and swelled up your eye something fierce. Fortunately for you and for us, we found an awesome doctor (fourth/fifth/sixth time’s the charm, yes?) and a few injections of a high octane antibiotic and you were feeling much, much better. Mama and Baba took you trick or treating down Telegraph in Oakland, but you were not into it, my sick little pumpkin.

Unfortunately during this time we also got some bad news: your other great-grandma has colon cancer. We flew back to the east coast last week and spent some time with Grandma and Great-Grandma. You won the hearts over everyone at Great-Grandma’s nursing home. You also did remarkably well with the time change and with all of the flights back and forth across country.

I know you’re too young right now to understand it all, but one day when you read this I hope you understand how important it was for us to be there. That was the last time you’ll ever see my grandmother, your great-grandma, alive. You have to know how much she loved you and cared about you and wanted the best for you. There are so many stories I will tell you when you are older; my only regret is that you didn’t get a chance to develop a lasting relationship with her. But you did bring her so much happiness.

I know I have been sad about this, but believe me when I say that in spite of all of the sorrow and grief and tragedy we are feeling, I spend five minutes with you and my life is enriched and I am hopeful that things aren’t too bad in this world. Seeing you learn and interact and become your own person is a reward in itself, that definitely mitigates some of the bad. So thank you!

Love always,

Mama

For as long as I live I want to never forget the memory of my son playing with my grandmother by repeatedly tickling her toes. Nor do I want to forget the sound of her laughter and Matthew’s mixed together, happiness across an 84 year age difference and three generations.

I have been in Connecticut for less than 24 hours and I have only seen one Starbucks. I consider that a pretty awesome thing. We passed about 4 Dunkin Donuts on the way home and this morning I had my first mug of dunks since I left Chicago.

I saw my grandmother today and it seems so much more calm now than it did when my uncle passed away. It was like every time I’ve ever come home to visit my family, except she’s in a nursing home with an annoying hospice staff interrupting her every ten minutes, asking her questions about her past, repeatedly, like whether or not she’s graduated from high school. “You were a nurse, right? Did you graduate from high school?”

I am not ashamed to say that I snapped at that person and plan to unabashedly do the same with the administration of this stupid hospice program.

Matthew is a hit around here, and already being spoiled tons.

We will be celebrating Thanksgiving on Sunday. The idea that this is my last Thanksgiving with my grandmother is heartbreaking.