Sigh.

So the crap in Matthew’s ear apparently migrated (shifty bastard) and made his eye swell up. Dr. Lewis was concerned the swelling could be the start of periorbital cellulitis, so Josh took Matthew (AGAIN) back to the doctor’s and she gave him another set of high dose antibiotics and his eye already looks much better. We should be all set to go for our trip back east to Connecticut.

Throughout this entire debacle, Matthew has been a trooper. I am so tickled by the cute boy he’s becoming and his personality, as infectious as the germs he gives off. We spent awhile tonight just sticking our tongues out at each other and giggling. Then as I was getting him ready for bed, he spent half the time rolling away from me and waiting with excited anticipation at being caught, because, as any mama does when catching her baby, I would then eat his belly and chew on his back, which resulted in peals of laughter from him.

Good times, good times.

So this morning Matthew spiked a fever, which sent waves of curses from both Josh and me. I headed back to work today and Josh took Matthew into the doctor for a follow-up visit. The good news was that his fever went down by the time he got there. Of course with good news is bad news: pus in ear, so yes it’s official, it’s an ear infection gone bacterial. And, this stupid cold has made Matthew wheezy and clunky to boot. The ped gave him a double injection of a super antibiotic and he’s to start amoxicillin tomorrow. He had to take a nebulizer treatment at the doctor’s office because of the wheezing. Thank goodness we have a nebulizer machine at home. We have to rub his upper lip with vaseline because the ped is concerned about him developing impetigo, since it is so raw.

But, in as much as this is bad news, it is good news because we know what’s going on and we have a path for treatment. And he should be better for our trip to Connecticut on Thursday. I broke down and cried at the doctor’s this past Friday and blabbed to Dr. Lewis about our upcoming trip to CT and how my grandmother is dying and she rubbed my leg. So she’s well aware that we need him to get better, ASAP, in order to make this trip home.

I broke down crying at work today too. My boss is totally, totally awesome. He told me to take whatever time I needed and not to worry about work, that he supported me 100%. I am a very lucky person.

Idea from Jano.

5:47AM-6:45AM - Matthew wakes up. Sometimes he is raring to go, sometimes he is like his baba and is pissed off at being awake.

awake time - 7:20/30AM - the three of us cuddle in bed while M takes a bottle. Then we all slowly get ready for work and daycare. Josh has primary baby duty in the mornings. He’ll change his diaper, get him dressed, pack his bag for daycare. I shower, pack my backpack for work (load up laptop, make sure I have keys, BART tickets, and phone.

7:30ish/7:40ish - I depart for work (on foot to the train station), Josh takes Matthew to daycare.

8:30ish/8:40ish - I arrive at work, Josh drops Matthew off and returns to walk the dog, and get ready for work (he works from home).

5:00ish/5:15ish - I depart work. Josh is on his way to pick Matthew up from daycare.

6:30ish - I arrive at the train station, where Josh and Matthew are waiting for me. I get big smiles and a slobbery open-mouthed kiss from Matthew.

6:45ish-7:45ish - Josh makes dinner. I make and feed Matthew dinner, get a bottle, and get him to sleep.

8:00ish-9:00ish - Josh and I eat dinner and watch a Netflixed bit of entertainment. Right now to Josh’s dismay we’re watching season 4 of 24.

9:00ish-10:00ish - Josh takes the dog out, takes care of the dishes. I either sit and veg or I will work out (that’s my mantra for the next week.

10:00ish-10:30ish - prep for bed.

10:30ish-10:45ish - hopefully we are sound, sound asleep and any noises at night from Matthew’s direction are easily self-soothable (they usually are).

I’m crossing our fingers but it seems like Matthew’s fever is broken. Yay! I am cautious because - well, I am. Today, though, was really good - he woke up a little early (5:47AM is his latest favorite time to wake up, yay?) but has been in fairly good spirits. I sucked an insane amount of snot from his nose when he got up, but it’s been relatively dry then afterwards. I took him with me to Weight Watchers, and after the leader asked a question, he said, “Oh!” in a very knowing manner. This kid is cracking me up. We grocery shopped, Berkeley Bowled, and flea marketed (I got Matthew some crayons and a coloring book for him on our plane ride on Thursday).

Grandma update: she’s at the convalescence home and is planning on being there indefinitely. We’re planning on having Thanksgiving with her on the 11th. It is all so surreal. I started crying today in the supermarket, thinking about how this is the last Thanksgiving I’ll spend with my grandmother (after passing the canned cranberry sauce, ha!). What a week.

I know I live in hippieland now: check out these brussels sprouts:

I had no idea they lived on little stalks until I saw a gargantuan one with a ton of sprouts on them (or as Grandma likes to say, “little cabbages”) at the Berkeley Bowl.

Also, obligatory baby picture:

I don’t know if it’s a result of his being sick lately or what, but Matthew has within the last week been ultra-super affectionate. He was occasionally a cuddler, but he seems much more expressive with his emotions lately and it’s so neat to see. He will grab our necks and bring our chins in for a “kiss” - i.e., put a slobbery mouth all over the chin. When we pick him up, he’ll snuggle right into our necks, and the other day when he was really sick and not feeling well, he took a bottle while curled right into my armpit.

He loves trains - he probably thinks they’re all called BART, ha! Every time we see one go by, we “wave bye bye to BART!” and he waves madly. When we’re underneath BART tracks and one goes by, he automatically reaches out and waves.

I know Matthew is really my son because today I caught him rocking out to NPR. He turned the radio on (on top of the dog crate) and hanging on to the dog crate, he jammed to the “music”.

And the cutest thing of all now - Josh put him down for nap and then down for bed (Josh does bedtime on the weekends) and both times, he puts M down, M rolls over, and smiles and waves bye bye to Baba. It is enough to make your heart melt, I tells ya.

1. There were three (other?) tumors found on Grandma’s colon and intestines. Surgery would likely kill her, and she has no desire to go through chemotherapy, after having seen it ravage my uncle from head to toe. She was moved to a convalescence home today and will remain there indefinitely.

2. And then there’s Matthew. He’s on day 6 of high fevers (102+) and we are currently on the watchout for Kawasaki disease. If he has a high fever again on Sunday, I’ve got our new pediatrician’s cell phone number. We’re taking things one step at a time.

3. RCN is fucking us over to the tune of $238, because they claim a cable modem we sent back on their dime via UPS never arrived. I was the moron who linked our checking account to them and they zapped $238 out of our account. Particularly annoying because this time of the month is pricier than others (rent and daycare due). Thanks, RCN. PS Your cable sucked.

4. Related to money: this article totally depresses me, in a terribly irrational way. I am not a huge Britney Spears fan (yes I do own one of her CDs, shut up Josh), but I’ve definitely empathized with some of her more public escapades related to parenting. Then I read this and all I can think is that one month of Britney Spears’ life could take care of years of my worries. No more student loan debt. No more worrying about paying daycare on time, no more worrying about how RCN’s taking money right from my account will fuck things up, no more hospital bills from when I had Matthew (or his two subsequent returns to the hospital since then), no more worrying about canceling my Weight Watchers monthly pass so I could make sure I had enough in my checking account to cover co-pays from Matthew’s latest doctors’ visits. One month.

Bah.

First things first - the amount of snot I’ve unplugged from Matthew’s nose surely earns me an honorable mention for a Nobel Prize. Poor kid is just starting to surface after four days of bad fevers, caused by ear infections. And after testing out resident after resident at our local pediatrician’s office/teaching clinic, we’ve finally found a doctor we like (OK, I like. I am a picky person!). And I think the swaying factor may be either because she’s a full-fledged doctor and doesn’t have to get another doctor to come and check up on her work, or she gave me her email address (she may live to regret that).

Either way, I am glad he’s feeling better, just in time to give me his cold and make me feel like I’ve been repeatedly piledrived. I ache.

Matthew and I are flying next week to Connecticut to visit with my family. Just in time, because my grandmother was recently diagnosed with colon cancer (recently as in, today). Surgery to remove the mass in her colon would kill her. She does not want to go through chemotherapy, and that too will likely kill her as well. Her end is near and I cannot tell you how devastated I am. I cannot tell you how much I sobbed after I got off the phone with my mother, and I cannot tell you how fucking angry I am that she never told anyone how much blood she was passing for how long. All I can tell you is that my heart is broken at the mere notion of living a life without my grandmother, my rock, the reason I am cantankerous and the reason i love. She is my world. She is the meanest old man I’ve ever met. She raised me, with my mom, when I was too young to roll over and she has been there for me forever. She, and my mother, are the reason I am the mother I am today and what I strive and hope to be in the future.